Traditional style colour tattoo of a pineapple house with a blue door and the words I'M READY beneath it, on the calf.

Pineapple house with I'm Ready lettering

Traditional · Calf · Colour · Photo

A pineapple-shaped house with a blue arched door, round windows and a chimney sits above small flowers and green shrubs, with the words I'M READY in black lettering underneath. Bold black outlines define the shapes, with flat orange, green and blue fills and light shading on the fruit. The design is centred on a plain light background, with the tattoo filling most of the frame.

Traditional Calf Pineapple House Door Flower Lettering Chimney Window

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A story inspired by this tattoo · fiction

Uncle Desmond had been painting the pineapple for three summers before anyone in Hartlepool admitted it was a house. He'd bought the old fruit crate depot on Marsh Lane, ripped out the roof, and built a round oak frame that bulged where a pineapple bulges. Then came the diamond scoring in orange gloss, and the two round windows he claimed were portholes from a ferry he never sailed on.

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The blue arched door took him a fortnight. He measured it four times, then wouldn't let anyone else turn the key. The chimney was the last thing, a crooked pipe bent like a question mark, because he said a house should be able to ask after you. My cousin Pauline thought it looked like a bad joke. The vicar thought it looked like a fruit bowl that had got ideas. Desmond just nodded and went back to watering the shrubs by the step.

Then the council sent a letter about the planning, and Desmond sat at the kitchen table with his reading glasses on his nose and his good shoes on, which was how we knew it was serious. He pushed the letter across to me. Read the bit at the bottom, he said. I did. It asked whether the dwelling was occupied and whether the occupant intended to remain.

He stood up, straightened his cardigan and walked out to the front step. Next morning, in fresh black paint along the base of the fruit, he'd lettered the words I'M READY. Nobody ever wrote back to the council. The planners came round once, stood on the path for a long while, and went away without measuring anything.